


Dunder Mifflin is Jumpin', Jumpin'

by nowthatwecandoanythingwhatwillwedonow



Series: Rejected Cold Opens [2]
Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Creed Bratton like you've never seen him before, Gen, Independent, Jim thinks it's very cute, Meredith Palmer like you'll never be able to unsee her, Pam is such a dorky dancer, Please note the Jim/Pam is more foundational than the subject of the fic don't throw garbage at me, Pranks, Screenplay/Script Format, all the women, cold opens, destiny's child, does this count as a songfic?, singing in socially inappropriate contexts, the beyhive, throw your hands up at me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26620609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowthatwecandoanythingwhatwillwedonow/pseuds/nowthatwecandoanythingwhatwillwedonow
Summary: A prank years in the making finally comes to fruition. Pam convinces Jim to live his dreams. Erin makes $10 doing something Kelly and Andy would’ve done for free. And Angela reveals some surprising depths.A cold open, circa Season 6. #2 in the Rejected Cold Opens series.
Relationships: Pam Beesly/Jim Halpert
Series: Rejected Cold Opens [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933483
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Dunder Mifflin is Jumpin', Jumpin'

**Author's Note:**

> Like many of my generation, I am unable to hear the word “question” as an independent phrase without immediately thinking of a certain hit song from the beginning of this century. I am not quite exact contemporaries with Jim and/or Pam, but it feels very possible they would have the same association. Thus, this story was born. (A video for this song can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lPQZni7I18 and may greatly enhance your reading experience.)

_We open with a series of quick shots around the office._

_In ACCOUNTING, ANGELA is watching a live video of her cats, and KEVIN is subtly trying to nudge some papers over on to OSCAR’S desk._

_At MEREDITH and CREED’s desks, CREED is eating something and MEREDITH is on the phone._

_In the ANNEX, TOBY is absent, RYAN is reading a magazine and KELLY is tapping her fingers anxiously and craning her neck around as if trying to hear something in the front office. (One gets the impression it’s not the first time today she’s done so.) Hearing nothing, she checks her watch and sighs._

_At RECEPTION, ERIN is cheerfully greeting callers with the immortal words “Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.”_

_In the BULLPEN, PHYLLIS is typing an email and STANLEY is working on his crossword. JIM, PAM and DWIGHT all appear focused on their paperwork._

_MICHAEL’S door is closed and his blinds are shut – he may be working hard, he may be napping, or he may never have come back from lunch. We can’t tell. That’s the genius of MICHAEL._

_We zero in on the JIM-PAM-DWIGHT desk cluster._

DWIGHT ( _leans over towards Jim_ ):  
Question.

PAM ( _snaps head up from her work, sings while sitting stock still and staring directly at DWIGHT_ ):  
Tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.

PAM ( _starts to move her shoulders from side to side_ ):  
Only ring your celly when I’m feelin’ lonely, when it’s all over please get up and leave.

_(During this line, the camera briefly cuts to DWIGHT, who is taken aback, with JIM in the background with his eyebrows raised trying to suppress a laugh and stealing a quick glimpse to camera. The camera cuts again to ERIN, smiling eagerly. ERIN looks into the_ _camera and gives them a very toothy thumbs up, and as PAM reaches the end of the lyric, ERIN stands up behind her desk and joins in with):_

PAM/ERIN ( _singing_ ):  
Question: tell me how you feel about this, try to control me, boy, you get dismissed. Pay my own fun, oh, and I pay my own bills. Always fifty-fifty in relationships.

 _KELLY sprints in from THE ANNEX, looking about as happy as KELLY gets. She’s been waiting for this for_ hours, _if not her whole life. She joins PAM, who has stood up and stepped away from her desk, and ERIN, who has crossed in front of the reception desk, in a loose sort of line._

PAM/ERIN/KELLY ( _singing_ ):  
The shoes on my feet? I bought it. The clothes I'm wearing? I bought it. The rock I'm rockin', I bought it. 'Cause I depend on me.

ERIN _(solo, and awkwardly waving her arms in the air)_ :  
If I want it!

_A quick cut away in the middle of this sequence shows DWIGHT, still in shock; PHYLLIS, watching in amusement; ANDY, jaw dropped in sheer glee; STANLEY… not looking up from his crossword; and MEREDITH, CREED, RYAN, OSCAR and KEVIN having stood and entered the front of the BULLPEN to see what the commotion is.  
_   
_PAM, ERIN and KELLY are attempting to do what we can just barely tell is supposed to be a choreographed dance. ERIN is probably closest to the correct moves, but a little overenthusiastic – one should note her smile could power small cities at this moment. KELLY is attempting to put far more sex appeal into the dance than it really calls for. PAM is… well, a quick cut to JIM indicates he’s falling in love with her all over again, but wherever she is BEYONCE is suddenly getting angry and doesn’t know why._

PAM/ERIN/KELLY ( _singing_ ):  
The watch I'm wearin'? I bought it. The house I live in, I bought it. The car I'm driving, I've bought it. I depend on me.

KELLY _(spoken):  
_ I depend on ME, Ryan Howard!

_Quick cut to RYAN, who looks direct to the camera mildly terrified, then to JIM, who is leaning back in his chair, hands behind his head, just having a grand old time. Next to him, DWIGHT remains frozen by confusion and fear.  
  
As PAM, ERIN and KELLY begin the chorus, the rest of the office minus DWIGHT and ANGELA joins them in singing along, and what may previously have looked semi-organized descends into standard-issue Scranton branch chaos._

JIM ( _in voice over, spoken above the muted voices of his co-workers)_ :  
I’ve actually had some version of this in the back of my mind since the first week I worked here. The other night, the song came on the radio on the car ride home, and I mentioned it to Pam, and she said, ‘what’s holding you back, Jim? What’s stopping you from following your dreams?’ ( _He pauses._ )

 _While he speaks, we scan the office. ANDY is gettin’_ down, _spinning in place and alternating one hand behind his head and the other extended as far as it can be. PHYLLIS is getting her boogey on, and if her awkward arm motions remind the audience of ERIN’S from her solo line… well, that’s not an accident. OSCAR is moving his body fluidly and gracefully while KEVIN bobs his head behind him. MEREDITH is running her hands up and down her torso and bouncing her butt in an attempt at being sultry, while behind her CREED is… well, CREED is actually performing a perfect reconstruction of Destiny’s Child’s moves briefly visible at **[2:38 of the official music video](https://youtu.be/0lPQZni7I18?t=158)**._

_STANLEY briefly looks up from his crossword… and then immediately gets back to it._

_The shot cuts to JIM doing a talking head.  
  
_ JIM:  
She was making fun of me, but it really is a big day.  
  
 _Under JIM, we hear quietly:  
_  
ALL EXCEPT DWIGHT, ANGELA AND STANLEY ( _singing_ ):  
All the women, independent… throw your hands up at me. All the honeys, makin’ money… throw your hands up at me. All the mommas, droppin’ dollars… throw your hands up at me. All the ladies, who truly feel me… throw your hands up at me!

_As we return to a shot of the BULLPEN, ANDY climbs up on his desk._

ANDY ( _solo, in falsetto, with a finger plugging one ear and the other hand moving up and down with the notes)_ :  
Child of destiny! Independent beauty… no one else can scaaaaare me… Charlie’s Annnnnnnnngellllllllllllls… woah…  
  
JIM ( _talking head_ ):  
We paid Erin $10. Kelly said she’d do it for free, or, if necessary, pay us to be part of it. ( _pause_ ) Andy and everyone else weren’t actually involved, that was a bit of a plot twist. The idea was they’d sing the first verse or two and the chorus, then go right back to their seats pretending nothing had happened. ( _shrugs_ ) Dwight always says no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

_The Dunder Mifflinites continue to sing and dance. ANGELA is standing up next to her desk watching it all unfold. Anyone else wearing her expression would almost certainly be disgusted and contemptuous, but it’s ANGELA and she comes across as… almost happy? The camera zooms in to catch the barest twitch of her lips, as if there’s a smile desperately fighting its way out._

ANGELA ( _initially in voiceover, cut to talking head after the first sentence_ ):  
Most pop music promotes blasphemy, promiscuity, and drug use, so no, I don’t typically enjoy it. I have, however, always kept a spot in my prayers for Ms. Knowles. I just feel she’s very talented, that’s all. I’m actually part of a loosely associated group of fans of hers on the Internet. We call ourselves “The Beyhive.” ( _cracks up_ ) “The Beyhive!” Like beehive! ( _she waves a hand at the camera, rocking in her chair with laughter_.) It’s so silly!

_We return to the BULLPEN, where everyone is continuing to sing and dance. PAM has moved to JIM’s desk and is attempting to seduce him with her tremendously dorky dance moves while he remains in his chair. From the look on Jim’s face, it’s definitely working, much to KELLY’s surprise and disgust. ANDY is attempting to match ERIN’S moves. OSCAR is performing a textbook example of The Worm. MEREDITH is about thiiis close to actually stripping. PHYLLIS looks goofy but is clearly having the time of her life… which STANLEY actually briefly looks up and chuckles at._

ALL EXCEPT DWIGHT, ANGELA AND STANLEY ( _singing)_ :  
Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that… Charlie, how your Angels get down like that. Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that… Charlie, how your Angels get down like that. Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that… Charlie, how your Angels get down like that.

_ANDY holds the lost note and scats a bit, to general approval. ERIN is particularly impressed._ _The full group cheers and claps._

MEREDITH ( _interrupts the general mayhem and silences the room, singing_ ):  
Now that you're outta my life, I'm so much better! You thought that I'd be weak without ya, but I'm stronga! You thought that I'd be broke without ya, but I'm richer! You thought that I'd be sad without ya, I love harder!  
  
 _We see a few quick shots of astonished faces, and then the rest of the staff joins her:  
_  
ALL EXCEPT DWIGHT/ANGELA/STANLEY/JIM/PAM:  
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya, now I'm wiser! You thought that I'd be helpless without ya but I'm smarter! You thought that I'd be stressed without ya, but I'm chillin'! You thought I wouldn't sell without ya, sold nine million!

_JIM and PAM exchange a glance and giggle. DWIGHT is still in his chair observing, but looks less confused, and is actually starting to nod along to the beat as they dive into the chorus of “Survivor.”_

DWIGHT ( _initially in voiceover, cut to talking head in conference room_ ):  
No, like everyone else with two working ears, I quite enjoy the musical stylings of Destiny’s Child. Plus, I was _going_ to confirm with Jim that he had the latest set of preapproved discounts on 100% recycled paper, and we wasted so much time with this little escapade that I couldn’t fit it in. ( _direct to camera_ ) So I guess the joke’s on you, Halpert.

_The episode plays out as normal, with a running gag of MEREDITH in the background, humming various Destiny’s Child hits. We then finish with a talking head interview with Meredith._

MEREDITH ( _singing off-key and doing her attempt at a sultry dance in her chair_ ):  
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, my body’s too bootylicious for you, babe.

_She finishes by striking a pose, arms crossed and lips pursed as we…_

_ROLL CREDITS._

**NETWORK NOTES:** REJECTED. Passing on this one for budget reasons. I don’t know how much we’d have to pay in royalties for three different Destiny’s Child songs, and I don’t want to know. Like the idea, though – maybe we do something similar with a different song?

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is what happened: Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as ‘misleading the shareholders.’ Another good term is ‘fraud.’ The real crime, I think, was posting fanfiction without clarifying that all publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. were the property of their respective owners, though any original characters and plot were the property of the author, who was in no way associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise, and no copyright infringement was intended.
> 
> (For that matter, I also do not own the rights to any music by Destiny’s Child. Trust me, no one’s sadder about it than me. Any mistakes in the lyrics are probably the responsibility of LyricFind, but I really should’ve corrected them, so I’ll take the heat.)


End file.
